One of those days

I called my mum to talk to her but most importantly to find out how my boys were. I heard laughter in the background, so much noise, then I heard someone crying. They sounded happy. That should make me happy. I didn't get to talk to them, the conversation ended shortly after.

Words can’t explain how difficult this is. The emptiness of my apartment can be soothing sometimes but at other times like this when I wish I could see them for a short while, it rips me apart. The most difficult thing about being an intern for me is being alone.

Life is an irony. The very structures put in place to help me pull through this phase make it extremely difficult for me. No doubt life is a lot better physically and I dare say generally, but deep down, it is an emotional turmoil. Sometimes I tell myself it would have been better to sweat it out with them here.

Parting with your child can be very draining emotionally. It becomes a choice between satisfying your selfish emotional craving and providing a stable environment for the little one who deserves nothing less.

I made the right decision for my boys or so I’d like to believe. That is the only way I can live with myself. I miss my boys.

Just another day!!

I wish I could say there was something about how the day started…Oh but there was something about the way the day I started….I woke up a little earlier than normal, got ready and worked on the slides for my presentation later today. It took up all the extra time I had this morning.

I did not receive the usual morning call I had gotten accustomed to receiving from my husband. I let it be, partially because I knew he was really exhausted the night before. I got a bit worried by 9am when I still hadn't heard from him. Tried contacting him, texting in between rounds, running to the bathroom to call him. Eventually I got a text stating that he was okay and had slept too much….”Thanks darling, for letting me worry about you” But the day was just starting.

While talking to the pulmonary fellow, I noticed she gave me a funny stare, looked down at my feet and acted like everything was okay…a few minutes later, she pointed out to me that my earring fell off my ears a few minutes ago “Seriously!! Thanks so much for letting me know, now I have to search for my pearl earring on the floor of the busy house staff room. Thankfully I found the earring but the stopper was nowhere to be found. That was a mild irritation.

11am, I need to sign out my patients so I can get to clinic early enough.  I have all the discharges completed and ready to go. I say goodbye to the first patient, get to the second patient and her mum brings out a pile of paperwork for me to work on. She has a “few” questions to ask me…I try my best to answer the questions. It is not her fault that I chose to present while on a busy floor month rotation, definitely not her fault that I am not ready for my presentation.

Finally, I have that partially sorted out, it is 12.15pm, no noon lecture for me today. I open my mail to download my slide…Surprise!! My manuscript just got rejected. Ha-ha! This is hilarious. I take a deep breath and go on with trying to access my presentation.

It is 12.50pm. I am behind schedule, I can’t have lunch. I have to run to clinic. Presentation was not very good in my mind’s eye but grateful to have that out of the way. I walk into my preceptor at the entrance of clinic, asking me to go listen to my patient in the asthma room. ”Asthma room? Seriously? Is this the ED or my clinic?” My asthma kid turns out to be a trachea esophageal fistula kid with a complicated history and a mum who is not the best historian.

It is 3pm. I am shaking, it takes all the willpower I have to keep seeing patients. Then I get the ADHD kid who is also diabetic, has a history of depression and mild autism. Ha ha! No health insurance, oh and a new patient to the practice.

6pm. I am through with clinic. The thought of going home to my empty house is not very enticing. I am so exhausted but all I really want is to go home to my husband and my little boys. The giggles, the hugs or just their presence would have been the perfect end to the not so perfect day.

I get back to my pristine house, it feels painfully empty. I walk to the bathroom, sit down and breakdown in tears. I have a long bath afterwards and a warm meal. I am in my two bedroom apartment, feeling homeless and not so happy. I miss my husband and I miss my sons!!