One Snowy day

It was a beautiful day outside

It was white and snowy

There was a certain calmness the weather brought

I hear voices but they seem a bit distant

I was in a world of my own

It was my turn to present…

The calmness was all gone

I was trying to center

It was difficult to do so with negative thoughts

I was getting constantly distracted by the abdominal discomfort

Another presentation, trying to focus

My pager went off..

Massage day.

9.34am….

The box of chocolates

An unexpected gift to the group from a not too pleasant person

Voices……

That one that rubs me off the wrong way

The one I like to my right

The one I am neutral to, to my left

And the one that amuses me, I call the quiet one..

The silent one right in front of me…

Enough of my snow day musing..

It was a busy day as always but beautiful no doubt!!

Infants, toddlers and some mush

 I was a bit skeptical about working with infants….the little ones scare me.

 I have some distant memory of night float two weeks ago. I recall the nights were full of admissions. I recall having somewhere between 7 and 8 patients every single day this week. I recall being happy to go to work every day. I recall getting back home really exhausted, with a smile on my face.

It is not that I have not felt overwhelmed because I have. I have felt silly, had moments of sadness, felt really stressed out but….  I have enjoyed working with each person in a different way. J and K were awesome seniors during night float oh and M……oh M…I just found myself thinking how lucky can one get on night float. I was truly reluctant to end night float. I had absolutely no envy for the day team.

I was blown away the following week. Working with JL was a pleasant experience, I was sad to see her leave, then H came along and I fell “in work love” with her… straight to the point.

This week I had I and M, the cartoon characters, incomplete words, special languages with meanings lost to me and I dare say most of mankind and a little spice of J midweek. I laughed so hard a lot of times, a few times I felt like crying but never felt useless or like a complete idiot.

I guess this is my long-winded way of saying I (loved)⁴ my team. I really don’t know how or what they felt about working with me but the past 3 weeks have undoubtedly been my happiest in residency.

Enough of all this mushy talk…..I need to go pick up my darling husband from the train station and get some well-deserved sleep!!

One of those days

I called my mum to talk to her but most importantly to find out how my boys were. I heard laughter in the background, so much noise, then I heard someone crying. They sounded happy. That should make me happy. I didn't get to talk to them, the conversation ended shortly after.

Words can’t explain how difficult this is. The emptiness of my apartment can be soothing sometimes but at other times like this when I wish I could see them for a short while, it rips me apart. The most difficult thing about being an intern for me is being alone.

Life is an irony. The very structures put in place to help me pull through this phase make it extremely difficult for me. No doubt life is a lot better physically and I dare say generally, but deep down, it is an emotional turmoil. Sometimes I tell myself it would have been better to sweat it out with them here.

Parting with your child can be very draining emotionally. It becomes a choice between satisfying your selfish emotional craving and providing a stable environment for the little one who deserves nothing less.

I made the right decision for my boys or so I’d like to believe. That is the only way I can live with myself. I miss my boys.

Just another day!!

I wish I could say there was something about how the day started…Oh but there was something about the way the day I started….I woke up a little earlier than normal, got ready and worked on the slides for my presentation later today. It took up all the extra time I had this morning.

I did not receive the usual morning call I had gotten accustomed to receiving from my husband. I let it be, partially because I knew he was really exhausted the night before. I got a bit worried by 9am when I still hadn't heard from him. Tried contacting him, texting in between rounds, running to the bathroom to call him. Eventually I got a text stating that he was okay and had slept too much….”Thanks darling, for letting me worry about you” But the day was just starting.

While talking to the pulmonary fellow, I noticed she gave me a funny stare, looked down at my feet and acted like everything was okay…a few minutes later, she pointed out to me that my earring fell off my ears a few minutes ago “Seriously!! Thanks so much for letting me know, now I have to search for my pearl earring on the floor of the busy house staff room. Thankfully I found the earring but the stopper was nowhere to be found. That was a mild irritation.

11am, I need to sign out my patients so I can get to clinic early enough.  I have all the discharges completed and ready to go. I say goodbye to the first patient, get to the second patient and her mum brings out a pile of paperwork for me to work on. She has a “few” questions to ask me…I try my best to answer the questions. It is not her fault that I chose to present while on a busy floor month rotation, definitely not her fault that I am not ready for my presentation.

Finally, I have that partially sorted out, it is 12.15pm, no noon lecture for me today. I open my mail to download my slide…Surprise!! My manuscript just got rejected. Ha-ha! This is hilarious. I take a deep breath and go on with trying to access my presentation.

It is 12.50pm. I am behind schedule, I can’t have lunch. I have to run to clinic. Presentation was not very good in my mind’s eye but grateful to have that out of the way. I walk into my preceptor at the entrance of clinic, asking me to go listen to my patient in the asthma room. ”Asthma room? Seriously? Is this the ED or my clinic?” My asthma kid turns out to be a trachea esophageal fistula kid with a complicated history and a mum who is not the best historian.

It is 3pm. I am shaking, it takes all the willpower I have to keep seeing patients. Then I get the ADHD kid who is also diabetic, has a history of depression and mild autism. Ha ha! No health insurance, oh and a new patient to the practice.

6pm. I am through with clinic. The thought of going home to my empty house is not very enticing. I am so exhausted but all I really want is to go home to my husband and my little boys. The giggles, the hugs or just their presence would have been the perfect end to the not so perfect day.

I get back to my pristine house, it feels painfully empty. I walk to the bathroom, sit down and breakdown in tears. I have a long bath afterwards and a warm meal. I am in my two bedroom apartment, feeling homeless and not so happy. I miss my husband and I miss my sons!!

Cold or Human

Cold or Human

The end of my ED shift. It was a long, exhausting, but fulfilling day. I had some of my meal money left. I walked to the café, wondering what I would get. As was typical of the past few days, I liked nothing I saw, so I picked some odd cereal bars, a few bananas and a diet soda.  Home was just 5 minutes away, a short cold walk.

As I approached the staircase leading to the apartment building, I noticed a young black man, probably late 20's to early 30's with a little boy, probably 10 years old walking towards me. Just before I could enter the building, the man shouted out to me to give him something to eat, saying he was from a homeless shelter and he was hungry. I quickened my pace and got into building before he could come any closer.

As soon as I stepped in the building, I felt a wave of remorse. Why did I react like that to a simple plea for help? Have I such little trust in my fellow humans. Why was I scared of this man, who was seemingly harmless? Who knows, maybe he had a weapon concealed (this was my sick mind justifying my action) but he was with a little boy….You really can’t trust people these days (my sick mind again).

He could have robbed me…of what? My ID card? Keys to my apartment? The few cereal bars I did not really want? Maybe I should have stopped for a few seconds…but it was dark.

I have gone back and forth in my mind, debating with myself, wondering if my reaction was normal or if I had been a bit paranoid. That said, if I had the opportunity, would I stop by that time of the day? I wish I could say yes, but I honestly don’t know and this saddens me…